Eleven Days…

October 21, 2023, will stand forever as the worst day of my life. That’s the day I found out that my son, my only child, was dead.

David was 50 years old when he decided that he could no longer live among us. If there were signs, we missed them. None of us, who cared for him, realized the depths of depression and hopelessness he was experiencing. Hindsight is 20-20 of course.

I’m not writing this to solicit sympathy or answers – there are no answers. But, if by being very open and honest about what happened and why, I hope I can save even one other mother and family from walking this dreadful path of sorrow.

On October 9, 2023, David left his home in North Vancouver. When he failed to return home after a few days, his wife officially reported him missing. A friend had also reached out to the local detachment of the RCMP in N. V. expressing concern for his well-being.

A search began and, since I was 5000 km away, I was frantic. I knew there was no point in flying across the country as I had no way of knowing where he might be or to try and help with the search.

I turned to what I knew best – social media. I reached out to friends and strangers alike begging for their help in looking for him. The N. V. RCMP contacted me too – just in case he had driven across the country to “come home”. I wish he had. We stayed in touch throughout the following eleven long days – getting updates on the so-far-fruitless search.

There was no contact from him; text and telephone messages went unanswered. Panic increased. His wife was worried and didn’t want their teenaged kids to know what was going on.

Through Facebook I asked all of my 1000+ ‘friends’ to reach out to anyone they knew in the Vancouver area to keep an eye out for him or his battered old VW. Many went out of their way to walk the streets looking. Members of his work union and other friends also searched the streets to no avail. His father (who lives in Vancouver too) and his wife also drove around searching.

Mid-way through this torturous time, I made the bold move of reaching out to actor #StephenAmell. David was an electrician who worked with lighting and power for TV and movie productions as a “Genny Op” in the Vancouver scene. He had worked with Stephen on the Arrow TV show while it was being shot in Vancouver.

Stephen very kindly responded to my plea to ask fellow cast and crew members from that time to aid in the search. He went so far as to do a short video on Facebook asking the general public for help as well, speaking directly to David to tell him that so many people cared about him and wanted to see him home safely with his family (wife, two children and his parents, in-laws and friends). The video went viral on Facebook and was picked up by major media outlets as well. I will be forever grateful to Stephen for trying so hard to help us all. He ended his video with a plea for people to pay attention to each other and, if you see signs of depression or mental illness in a friend or family member, to reach out to them and encourage them to get the professional help they may need.

On Friday, October 20, 2023, I got a call from the RCMP in North Vancouver telling me that David’s car had been found. They wouldn’t tell me where, but did say that at first light the next morning, a grid search would be undertaken to look for him. They said there were no signs of foul play. My heart sank because I just knew they weren’t searching for a living person. The Member told me they’d be in touch with me the next day once they’d found anything out about David.

I waited all day, cell phone in my hand, for a call. None came. By early evening I was frantic and exhausted. I told my husband I was going to bed to read for a while. As was my normal habit, I turned off all social media except I did leave my phone turned on in case the RCMP called. And I waited some more. I couldn’t begin to tell you what I read – probably one page over and over.

The phone rang. I pounced to answer the call, not even glancing at the caller ID. It wasn’t the RCMP. It was my brother, Jerry, calling from Ontario. Tears in his voice, the words I heard were “Are you ok?”

I said, “Of course not! I’m waiting to hear from the police in Vancouver.”

Jerry replied, “Oh, so that notice on Facebook isn’t true?”

I said, “WHAT notice?” as I grabbed my iPad and turned it on. There it was – an official notification from the North Vancouver RCMP, including a dreadful selfie David had taken just prior to doing the deed, stating “Missing North Vancouver man found deceased.”

Needless to say, I freaked out. I told Jerry I’d have to talk to him later and immediately dialed the number for the Vancouver RCMP detachment. The person who answered the phone transferred me to another officer while I howled, cried and tried to coherently ask WTH had happened?

They told me they had found David’s body. I don’t remember all of what was said as I was in shock and very, very angry.

I yelled (and probably swore some too), “Why didn’t you call me? I found out on fu**ing Facebook that my son is dead! How could you be so cruel? What about his wife and family? Did anyone tell them?”

They told me they had sent an officer and family outreach person to their house to tell his wife. She was unable to call me, apparently, to pass on the news and didn’t think to ask them to do it – although they should have known enough to do it. They knew I was his mother and they’d been in touch with me for ELEVEN DAYS so there was no excuse. I was furious and hung up.

The next couple of days were a blur of sorrow and anger at so many sources. I had to call and tell David’s father and his wife, and also his stepfather, that David was dead. They were beside themselves with sadness as well. My husband did everything he could to comfort me, but there really is nothing that can be done when your soul has been wrenched from your body.

Two days later someone from the RCMP called to apologize for their ‘oversight’ – too little too late.

Why I’m I sharing this now? It’s the anniversary of that dreadful day when I found out that David was dead, and had been since October 9th. ELEVEN DAYS of hoping and praying to whatever deity would listen.

I see many “missing person” notifications on Facebook almost every day. My heart goes out to their families and friends every time as I hope they don’t have to go through what I did. I hope that the RCMP make SURE that ALL IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS are sensitively notified of any findings before they hear or see it in the social or other media.

I waited several months before holding a “Celebration of Life” party for David. It was heartwarming to receive so many kind condolences from family and friends from around the world. Those who attended the event said they’d learned a lot about who David was and they offered support.

Pay attention to those around you. Listen for the clues. Be there for them and encourage them to get whatever help they need. If someone broke an arm, you’d call for medical help. If someone’s soul is breaking – help them to find help.

If I can help even one person to avoid a tragedy like this, it is worth baring my soul to the world.

Wasn’t that a party?

Where love is…

A mother’s worst nightmare